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Week 6 NFL Thoughts: Do The Knee Jerk

October 16, 2012

Football, NFL, Weekly Thoughts

Another week in the NFL done, another week with a few inexplicable results.  How the hell did the Cowboys, who managed to recover an onside kick with a timeout in its pocket and time to move the ball, manage to bullshit its way to the edge of field goal range? How some NFL coaches are so poor at clock management is beyond my scope of understanding. And the Packers shredding the Texans like that? Yeah, I’m sure everyone saw that one coming.

As for the rest of the week?  Well that’s what I’m here for, kiddies.

Let’s All Overreact! — I mean, this isn’t a development that’s even new to this season, let alone this week.  Everyone wants to crown the winners and losers of the league RIGHT NOW and not wait to actually see the games or how they’ll play out. The Broncos lose to three good teams and it’s Manning’s noodle arm that’s to blame. They have a sweet comeback win on Monday Night Football? SUPER BOWL CONTENDERS. The 49ers got their asses handed to them by the Giants? They’ll never make the playoffs now!

Writers and talking heads have been doing this with several teams all year.  The Pats lose? IS THIS THE END OF THE BRADY ERA? Patriots win? See you in January cuz the Patriots are ROCKING THIS SHIT. ZOMG Eagles pull another win out of their ass? Surely they are a dynasty.  Eagles loss? Mike Vick fumble fest fap fap fap.

You get it. Just watch the games, make a few casual observations or totally ignorant comments that border on ridiculous and leave the season-long predictions be. As the Ravens defensive apocalypse has shown, a lot of things can happen during the course of the season.  Speaking of the Vietnam battleground that is the Ravens defense..

Ravens Are One More Defensive Injury Away From Starting The Waterboy — Wow, can anyone else go down? The team was already missing its MVP in Terrell Suggs (ruptured Achilles), now Haloti Ngata is banged up (MCL), Ray Lewis is out for the year (torn triceps), as is star corner Ladarius Webb (knee).  Can they really lose anyone else? Ed Reed’s rickety body better hope not.

With all the injuries to an already-not-the-same Ravens defense, what does this do to the team’s championship hopes? “Seriously dwindles them” would seem to be the obvious answer unless Joe Flacco can somehow turn into an elite QB and drag this team on his back.  I’m not saying the Ravens will miss the playoffs, because the AFC is a goddamn joke (more later) but there’s no way in hell this team goes to the Super Bowl with a MASH unit of a defense.

Anyone Who Ever Believed in the Eagles is an Idiot (cont’d) — I’ve been saying it since the beginning but it’s really starting to take hold of late. Today, Andy Reid fired defensive coordinator Juan Castillo as if the defense were the issue.  Not that Castillo didn’t deserve to be fired; he probably should have never been hired in the first place.  But Andy Reid is right on top of that shit (two years too late).  Next on the agenda: bench Michael Vick in 2015 for fumbling too much.

Speaking of that: what the shit was with the play-calling against the Lions on Sunday? You’re up 10 in the 4th quarter and Shady McCoy gets TWO touches? You deserve to lose the goddamn game doing that. He’s only one of the best backs in the league and you probably should be shaving time off the clock so, naturally, the reaction is to let the Turnover Machine do his thing and get all fumbly. Norv Turner might be the worst coach in the league but that fat walrus bastard isn’t far behind.   Then again, they’ll come out of the bye week and win because that’s what Andy Reid does.  And then everyone will pretend they’re Super Bowl contenders again. Good times.

The Chargers Are Hilariously Inept — Anyone who watched last night’s game knew it was coming. Because Norv Turner is in charge and Phillip Rivers just loves being mediocre. A 24 point lead is never safe when Norv has the headset on.

Rash-head Peyton Manning unsurprisingly led the Broncos back, with help from Rivers who fumbled and intercepted the Broncos right back into the game, and every sane person on the planet wonders how much longer until Turner is fired.  But that’s the thing: I bet he won’t be!  He took over a stud team and has slowly dwindled them down into an average AFC team which is saying something because the AFC is TERRIBLE. He’s been there six years now and has done nothing but turn Rivers from a bratty asshole-ish upper echelon quarterback into a bratty assole-ish middle of the road quarterback.  He took over a hilariously talented Chargers team and has dwindled them down so far that they can’t even win the pathetic AFC West.

Chargers fans are right to call for his head but I, for one, would like to lobby to keep the man in charge.  Who doesn’t love a free win?

The AFC Consists of the Patriots, Texans, Ravens and TRASH — That’s right, I’m not including the Broncos because they’ve been so bad in the first half of all of their games, they’ve had to mount ridiculous comebacks each and every time.  But the AFC West is so bad, they’ll look far better thanks to a shiny record propped up by Norv Turner’s incompetence and the combined awfulness of the Raiders and Chiefs.

The South is a tire fire other than the Texans who, despite the ass-whooping Rodgers and the Packers laid on them, are still probably the best team in the AFC. The Central is a war zone.  Baltimore looked like they would come out of the wasteland as kings but all those injuries put them at risk to become mediocre.  And the East. Good Glaben, the AFC East is bad. I don’t care if the Bills, Jets, and Dolphins are 3-3.  None of those teams are GOOD. Watching the Bills hand the Cardinals a chance at the win was totally unsurprising. I wasn’t even mad at Feely for hitting that 61 yarder; he pooped in the fridge and ate the whole wheel of cheese and I was just impressed he could do it.

The Patriots are hands down the best in the East and, along with the Texans, the only REAL contenders in the conference despite what all the overreacters are saying after this Sunday’s Patriots loss.

It’s a long season, folks. Things will change. People will get hurt.

The only thing that never changes? My disappointment.  And my drinking.

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