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Week 4 NFL Thoughts: The Great Bandwagon Hopping

October 2, 2012

Features, Football, NFL, Weekly Thoughts

Through the first four weeks of the NFL season, I’ve been high on a few teams only to have them rail me like it was an episode of Oz. After the first two weeks, I was convinced the 49ers were the team to beat.  Then they went into Minnesota and laid a stink bomb down. When Arizona upset New England and destroyed Philly, I was sure this team was for real.  They won but it took overtime against the Ryan Tannehill(!!)-led Dolphins to do it.

Who the hell can I trust at this point? Houston hasn’t really played anyone but Denver on it’s way to 4-0 but they’re at least destroying the teams they’re supposed to.  So we’ll start with them and lots more bandwagon hopping in this weeks “Thoughts”.

Houston is the Best Team in the NFL — Okay, so I know I said Atlanta was the best team in the NFL last week but I was totally kidding, you guys.  Atlanta eeked out a last second win at home against a struggling Carolina team so  I guess that’s all that matters. But Matty Ice (goddamnit I hate that name) needs a running game before I fully trust him.  Also: what the hell, Julio Jones? One goddamn catch this week? SHOW RODDY WHITE WHO’S BOSS.

Houston, on the other hand, just does whatever the hell it wants to opponents so far.  As I said above, they haven’t really played anyone other than Denver but the defense is dominant with JJ Watt already running away with Defensive Player of the Year honors. The only negative moment of the year for the Texans is when Matt Schaub got Holyfield’d by Joe Mays. But that won’t have any lasting effects, right?

Cam Newton is a Show-boating Douche — Speaking of the aforementioned Newton, the guy would rather celebrate than win a game.  This isn’t a rant about how I hate all glory boys who celebrate because celebrating is evil and RESPECT THE GAME, YOU HOOLIGANS. No, Cam seems to really only care about his stupid celebrations.  Last week against the Giants, a game where the Panthers were getting throttled, Newton scored a late meaningless touchdown and proceeded to do his bit where he stomps around and rips open his shirt like Superman.  Hey assbag, your team is getting ruined. Maybe you should’ve been Superman a little earlier. Trailing against the Falcons yesterday, he did the same thing but I suppose it was more apt this time because his team was actually in the game.  And athletes need to stop calling themselves Superman. It’s unoriginal and Superman is a friggin’ douche.  He’s arguably the worst superhero ever. He has everyone power except the power of coolness. YOUR GLASSES FOOL NO ONE, KENT.

Time For Your Bi-Weekly Bills Rage — Right, no one cares about the Bills. Well this is my party and I’ll cry if I want to. The Bills looked legit for a shade over two quarters, playing strong defense and nearly taking a 21-7 lead before half (thanks for the fumble, Spiller).  The shitshow that followed is hard to fathom even two days later. It started with Tom Brady’s “fuck you, bitches” after tying the score at 21.  The bloodbath that followed left me wonder just where the Bills run defense, actually pretty solid through the first three weeks, had gone.  Let’s get one thing straight: before the game started, I never expected a win.  Not at any point. I did get pretty giddy before the Spiller fumble but I never thought the Patriots would put up 45 goddamn second half points. WHY CAN’T MY TEAM EVER BE GOOD FOR MORE THAN A WEEK AT A TIME RAGERAGERAGE.  Can’t wait to get Shawshank’d by San Francisco next week.

Everyone Back on the Cutler/Marshall Bandwagon! (except me) — Monday night has come and gone and the Bears have a route victory over “AMURICA’S Team”.  Cutler looked good, going 18/24 for 275 yards and a pair of touchdown passes. And most importantly? No interceptions! Even Cutler is surprised but he mostly doesn’t care. He’s too busy smokin’.

Marshall finally had his breakout, though, catching 7 passes for 138 and a touchdown. Everyone is totally falling for this. “They looked good! They kept Demarcus Ware out of Cutler’s face and look-it what he did! Big things for those two!” WELL I DON’T BUY IT. I’ve seen Cutler do this before but he always regresses. And mark my words, when he throws a combined 12 interceptions against Houston and San Francisco, Marshall will murder him and blame it on his personality disorder.  Because Brandon Marshall is an insane person who does insane things.

Everyone Hates the Refs Again and No One Saw it Coming! — Just kidding, we all knew this was happening. HOCHULI!!!

The Jets May Drive Rex Ryan into Eating Again — I know he had gastric bypass surgery and all but looking at how thin Rex is all of the sudden makes me picture him staring at himself in the mirror, totally disgusted, mumbling “look at yourself, fatty!” through quiet sobbing just before he makes himself throw up for the fifth time that day. That said, if his stomach were big enough to handle it, he would eat himself fat inside of a week after watching his team through the first four weeks.

Even if the rest of his team was pretty good, he still has Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow as his top two quarterbacks. That’s like playing Russian Roulette knowing that the last five turns have ended in blanks.  Having to play one of those two is like knowing that your turn contains a round in the chamber. It won’t end well to say the least.  But that’s under the guise that his team is good.  It’s not! They lost Darrelle Revis for the year to a knee injury and look like they’ve lost Santonio Holmes to a significant foot injury in the funniest moment of the season for me (couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy).  They already were painfully thin in terms of productive receivers and their running game is atrocious.  If there’s anything left of Rex’s ass by the end of the year, it’ll be on the hot seat for sure.

I’m not really looking forward to week 5. Very few really interesting matchups and a sure-fire loss for the Bills as they travel to San Francisco. Good thing I was never on the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, right? Right?

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