Week 1 NFL Thoughts: Why Do I Have Expectations?

Being a sports fan is an exercise is masochism. We all whine and cry when our team sucks but enough time passes and we come back for more, leading with our chin like a punch drunk boxer. And when – SURPRISE! – our team sucks AGAIN, we piss and moan and act surprised like we didn’t see it coming even though we absolutely saw it coming.

Week 1 of the NFL season has come and gone and I find myself in both the same position yet a totally different one. Yes, my team sucks once again (I’m a Bills fan ferchrissakes).  But this time, I came into the season with HOPES. Aspirations, even.  Throw enough money around during the off-season and any fanbase will get excited.

I can’t believe I fell for it. My massive disappointment is just one of the many things I’ll touch on in this weeks thoughts.

The Bills: the Disappointment Keeps ComingThough I touched on this briefly above, I can’t express my disappointment quite enough.  The Bills signed Mario Williams and Mark Anderson, drafted shutdown corner Stephon Gilmore, and returned stud tackle Kyle Williams from injury. Surely this defense would improve to the upper half of the league? NOT IF MARK-GODDAMN-SANCHEZ HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT. Are you shitting me? This is the team that spent all off-season talking about whether or not Tim Tebow, who is a fullback and an AWFUL one at that, would replace the Sanchize as starter. So naturally, Sanchez comes out and tosses 3 touchdowns (Tebow sucked, meanwhile, rushing 5 times for 11 yards).  Of course he does.

But hey, we have a potential top-10 offense on our hands, right? Stevie Johnson is on the cusp of #1 receiver status, Freddy Jackson and CJ Spiller form one of the best running back duos in the league, and quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick had a hot start last year before injuries hindered him. Surely, they’ll be trending up, right? Well, for the first time since he was given the starting role, no one talked about Fitzpatrick being a Harvard grad because they were too busy talking about all the interceptions he was throwing. All three of them were so epically terrible; it was like he was personally giving me the finger for ever believing in him. Well congrats, guys, I no longer have expectations this year other than the expectation that many more guys will get hurt for a long time, rendering the Bills even SHITTIER than they were before.

Being a fan is incredibly stupid but hey, I’ll be in front of the tv next week to watch them get their taints handed to them by the friggin’ Chiefs.

Surprise! Tim Tebow Sucks — I had the misfortune of watching the entire game and while Mark Sanchez looked very good throwing to stunningly wide open receivers, Tim Tebow’s performance
 was the exact opposite. Granted, he only got five carries, but he looked hesitant and slow on all of those.  They subbed him in at the expense of a red-hot Sanchez a few times and, even though they were playing my team, I openly wondered why they’d even bother to curb Sanchez’s momentum to put Jesus Boy in there. But when you’re cruising, I guess you can do whatever the hell you want to see what else works.

Hopefully, when the Jets travel to Pittsburgh in week 2, they’ll be brought back to reality and we’ll see that both Tebow and Sanchez suck.  Which will then make me realize just how bad the Bills suck.  But who’s surprised by that last statement?

RGIII Just Might Be For Real — Robert Griffin III, in his first regular season start in the NFL, completed 73% of his passes for 320 yards and a pair of touchdowns. Not only that but he led his team to a win over the dynamic New Orleans Saints.  Now, I’d like to quote the great Winston Wolf in regards to Griffin: “Let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet, gentlemen.”

The Saints are without their head coach Sean Payton, suspended for the season by nazi NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for the whole Bounty Gate thing. I’m not the biggest proponent of NFL coaches but I’d have to imagine losing your team’s head coach for the whole year will have an impact. Plus, that defense was a shitshow last year and looks to be no different this year. Let’s give it a few more weeks before we start giving each other RG3-excitment-induced reach arounds.

Anyone Who Believed the Eagles Were Contenders is a Moron — One huge hot topic during the off-season was in regards to the Eagles, who let everyone and their mother down last season en route to missing the playoffs.  They return exactly everyone of importance, including Michael Vick who may or may not injure himself getting out of his car.  So how do the Eagles respond to their contender status? By beating the Browns 17-16. SUPER BOWLLLLLLL.

Vick tossed 4 interceptions and generally got his ass kicked by a sneaky-good Browns defense.  But Vick just made bad decision after bad decision and probably should’ve thrown about 7 interceptions. Against the Browns.  If Brandon Wheeden wasn’t the worst quarterback alive, they would’ve lost to the Browns and everyone would be in full panic mode.  Side note: on a scale of 1-10, how much are Browns fans regretting the Wheeden pick? Like a 47.5? I get he’s a rookie but most rookies have a chance to progress before they hit their theoretical prime.  Wheeden is already supposed to be in his physical prime.  At least the Browns can take Matt Barkley next year.

Turns Out the Ravens Are GoodOr better than we thought, it seems.  People were freaking out a bit when Terrell Suggs was lost for the season and for good reason.  This defense is getting older and you never really know just how much you’re going to get out of Ed Reed before he’s rendered to nothing but dust. The defense was very good, though, and Reed himself even contributed with a pick-six.

But the real story was the offense. Joe Flacco absolutely carved up the Bengals defense, going 21/29 for 299 yards and a pair of touchdowns while setting up another pair of easy scores for all-everything running back Ray Rice. If this is an early indication that the Baltimore offense has finally caught up to its defense, the Ravens are going to be scary. Art Modell may be dead but Cleveland fans will continue to be bitter towards Baltimore because they became successful almost as soon as they left that god-awful city.

Matt Ryan/Julio Jones fapfapfap — All off-season, we’ve heard the comparisons between Matt Ryan and Peyton Manning.  How the early portions of their careers have been eerily similar: good numbers, bringing fledgling franchises back from the bottom, but ultimately no playoff success. So naturally, after Ryan threw for 299 and 3 touchdowns (2 of them to Julio Jones who has been getting blown more than just about any receiver in the NFL this off-season) the talk will probably ramp up.

Firstly, I can’t be sold on anyone with such a douchebag fratboy name like “Matty Ice”. I feel like he has a posse of bros at his beckoning call. Secondly, he’s only playing with two of the best receivers in football in Jones and Roddy White. Not to mention Tony Gonzalez is his tight end. He SHOULD be putting up the numbers. His bros would totally call him out if he sucked, probably by calling him a fag or something equally stupid. “Gotta stop tossin’ picks, BRUHHHHHHHHH.”

I’ll probably make this a recurring thing because it’s easy to write angry when you root for the Bills.  Nothing fuels your writing (or at least fuels mine) quite like pure vitriol. If you’ll excuse me, I have some drinking to do.

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14 Comments on “Week 1 NFL Thoughts: Why Do I Have Expectations?”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    This article was awesome!


  2. Nick Graff Says:

    Eagles are a contender…Defense was really good, Shady was shady, Jackson is playing like the playmaker he is now paid. No worries, the Nick Foles era will start in Week 3 when the Ravens defense absolutely creams Vick this week. Now I can only hope that Andy Reid gets exploding diarrhea every Sunday so he wont have to do the offense play calling.


  3. The Farm Club Says:

    Sure they did, but doesn’t every sports media outlet do a preview of a team also? I don’t see your point.


  4. Anonymous Says:

    Didn’t Deadspin do something similar to this already (a “Why Your Team Sucks” segment for every team in the NFL)?


  5. nichbeesley Says:

    I’m telling you, once the defense started putting on pressure in the second half, the Bills played much better. The worst thing that could have happened though was losing Fred Jackson. If they get healthy in 3 weeks, the team will be just fine.


    • Mike Gazdik Says:

      Fortunately, the loss of Fred Jackson isn’t the worst thing that could happen to my Fantasy team, but hell, I’m still quite upset. (other league, not part of the Debacle).

      The thing is, does any one know what kind of injuries they had during their losing streak when they fell off that cliff last year? I can’t remember any losses that would warrant such a collapse. Who can be so sure this team is going to be fine?


      • Ryan Womeldorf Says:

        Aside from Freddy, damn near the whole offensive line (Andy Levitre most notable), Stevie Johnson battled a sore groin, Fitz had bad ribs (supposedly), and the defense lost Byrd (or Wilson, I can’t remember).

      • Mike Gazdik Says:

        All at once though? Didn’t the Bills lose something like 9 straight and 10 of their last 11? On a good team, that doesn’t happen. That’s why I think, while the Bills are on the right track, surely one cannot be confident that they will be fine once Fred is back.

      • Ryan Womeldorf Says:

        Not all in one week but it did seem like every week was something new and often times not day-to-day. Seems like they can’t fight the injury bug this year, either.


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