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The Farm Club Humbly Presents: The Farm Club Fantasy Football Debacle 2012: The Battle to Not Be Last Place

What if I told you that deep down inside all of us lives a monster? A monster that awakes each year at the end of August. A monster who’s lust for blood and destruction can never be quenched fully, but merely contained. A monster that is, in fact, our true selves.

We at The Farm Club saw this coming, we spoke of it at length in various forms of correspondence. Carrier pigeon mostly. Our discussions culminated with this conclusion: there was but one way to contain the beasts that dwell within each of us.

We had to band together. After intense debate, we decided on the location, time, and date, and went our separate ways to enjoy what little time we had left with our loved ones.

Fantasy football season is upon us.

With the aid of the warlocks at ESPN, and armed with nothing more than faith in ourselves (and $10 Draft Guides purchased at CVS), we began the ritual. And for the sake of others, so they may not suffer the way we must, we have decided to document every step of our endeavor. We undertake this task with great trepidation, but also great hope.

The rules are simple. Ten men. Ten teams. Sixteen players each. Every week these teams will do fantastic combat in a head to head scoring system. From these match ups, starting in the second week of our ordeal, one matchup will be selected and featured on The Farm Club, along with a league recap. A wager will be made. Not a wager of funds, mind you. Some may gamble with libations, others, with their dignity. And each week, someone will speak at length on the state of the league and its members.

But, before then, allow me to introduce you to the players in our dance of death.

LOSERS DIVISION

Stefan Jagot

Team Name: Turd Fergusons

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: P. Manning (QB), F. Jackson (RB), D. Sproles (RB), A. Johnson (WR), H. Nicks (WR), R. Gronkowski (TE), S Ridley (FLEX), Steelers D/ST, G Hartley (K)

Must Know Facts: Stefan Jagot is the self proclaimed King of The Farm Club. When not overseeing his peons, Stefan is a proud fan of the West Ham United football club, a proud over-consumer of cheap canadian whiskey, and a proud Coldplay fan. No, really. He didn’t grow up and start listening to Radiohead like the rest of us. I know right?

Brian Young

Team Name: Erroneous Rhinocerus

Mascot:Even in Japan this shit couldn't have made sense.

Projected Week 1 Lineup: E. Manning (QB), D. Murray (RB), F. Gore (RB), C. Johnson (WR), M. Coulston (WR), T. Gonzalez (TE), R. Meachem (FLEX), Texans D/ST, M. Crosby (K)

Must Know Facts: Brian made every selection in the draft based the advice on a 2010 Draft guide, except for Nick Toon, who was selected because “his name is Nick Toon? Shut up.” Brian once fell out of a boat parked in a driveway and required emergency dental work. He is, as a result, terrified of heights greater then 4 feet.

Matt Pocket

Team Name: Pocket Rockets

Mascot:

Were you expecting something else? Perverts.

Projected Week 1 Lineup: M. Vick (QB), A. Foster (RB), S. Jackson (RB), R. White (WR), M. Wallace (WR), B. Celek (TE), A. Bradshaw (FLEX), Falcons D/ST, D. Bailey (K)

Must Know Facts: Matt couldn’t be bothered to show up for the fantasy draft, screwing several of us over, several times with his ridiculous autopicks. Everyone is pretty pissed at him actually. Matt’s college admissions essay was titled “Dana White for President: Why the USA Should Be More Like the UFC”. We don’t know how he got in either.

Travis Devlin

Team Name: Sacko Del Torro

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: T. Brady (QB), A. Peterson (RB), W. McGahee (RB), S. Smith (WR), B. Lloyd (WR), J Graham (TE), D. Jackson (FLEX), 49ers D/ST, N. Kaeding (K)

Must Know Facts: Travis resides on the West Coast, which is in fact not the Best Coast, as pointed out several times by his division rivals. Travis is The Farm Club’s resident golf expert, making him the Ryan Leaf of this league. Minus the drugs and robberies.

Eric Ratkowski

Team Name: Team ‘Merica

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: P. Rivers (QB), M. Forte (RB), M. Lynch (RB), J. Jones (WR) A. Green (WR), F. Davis (TE), E. Decker (FLEX), Seahawks D/ST, J. Tucker (K)

Must Know Facts: Eric thought Madden ’13 was garbage, and he was right. He also hates the NBA and is hell bent on seeing them wiped off the face the earth, along with receding hairlines and open democratic elections. Once, he was punched in the face by an enraged Glenn Beck, after Beck bet the house on the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI based on advice from Eric.

Bums Division

Nich Beesley

Team Name: Heenan School of Broadcast Journalism Brainiacs

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: D. Brees (QB), J. Charles (RB), D. Williams (RB), B. Marshall (WR), P. Harvin (WR), A. Gates (WR), B. Green-Ellis (Legal Counsel), Giants D/ST, R. Gould (K)

Must Know Facts: Nich, a proud graduate and current General Manger of the Heenan School for Broadcast Journalism (where he majored in Luchador bashing), is also the General Manger of this league, based on the aforementioned credential. He was front row at Wretlemania III, where the concussive wave that resulted from Hulk Hogan slamming the 2800 lb. Andre the Giant left Nich partially deaf in his left ear. Brother.

Michael Gazdik

Team Name: Travolta’s Masseuse

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: T. Romo (QB), L. McCoy (RB), D. McFadden (RB), L. Fitzgerald (WR), M. Austin (WR), A. Hernandez (TE), D. Heyward-Bey (FLEX), Packers D/ST, A. Henery (K)

Must Know Facts: For reasons that remain vague to all of us, Michael has repeatedly proclaimed Travolta’s innocence in the masseuse abuse scandal, once going as far as saying “like you guys wouldn’t like it if Travolta made a pass at you.” He is also a Baltimore Ravens fan, and loves baseball and the English Premier League more then most people love their own children.

Jack Crawley

Team Name: The Fighting Sheeds

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: M. Stafford (QB), C. Johnson (RB), T. Richardson (RB), V. Cruz (WR), D. Bowe (WR), V. Davis (TE), V. Jackson (FLEX), Bears D/ST, S. Janikowski (K)

Must Know Facts: Jack Crawley, or Jack Crawley as he’s known to his friends, is an aspiring journalist and mortal enemy of Stefan Jagot. They were kept in separate divisions for their own safety. Every night, Jack tucks in his prized Ben Wallace cardboard cutout, and holds it as he sleeps. He has been told several times by university administrators to stop carrying a different, yet identical, cutout to class with him each day.

Shane Viars

Team Name: Fear Boners

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: A. Rodgers (QB), R. Jennings (RB), M. Turner (RB), W. Welker (WR), G. Jennings (WR), B. Pettigrew (TE), A. Brown (WR), Jets D/ST, D. Akers (K)

Must Know Facts: Shane Viars is the purveyor of The Friday Five here at The Farm Club. As far as any of us can tell, this is the only time he ever gets out of bed. Shane’s passion for sport extends to all forms of athletic competition, from football to other football to hockey to women’s basketball to thumb wrestling.

Erik Krieger

Team Name: BroLo El Cuando

Mascot:

Projected Week 1 Lineup: C. Newton (QB), R. Rice (RB), M. Jones-Drew (RB), J. Nelson (RB), D. Bryant (WR), J. Finely (WR), B. Wells (FELX), Ravens D/ST, S. Gostkowski (K)

Must Know Facts: Erik is a lifeguard by trade and a student by necessity. Prior to this, he was one of the most respected physicists of his time, before an experiment gone wrong left him amnesia ridden and forced to leap between times and bodies, all the while aided by his pal Sam and a supercomputer named Ziggy, hoping each time that the next leap is his leap home.

Check back at the beginning of every week for updates on the league status. Or you can just follow The Farm Club on Twitter @TheFarmClub or like us on Facebook to get updates with next to no effort on your part. You can also follow us here on WordPress. All good options.

So this is how it begins? May God have mercy on our souls.

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Farm Club Fantasy Debacle: slump-busters& trash talk | TheFarmClub.net - September 21, 2012

    […] 2-0 in The Farm Club Debacle has allowed me the right to talk as much trash as I like. So I would like to take the final 1,000 […]

  2. The Farm Club Fantasy Debacle: Nich’s Recap & Week 2 Pickups | TheFarmClub.net - September 12, 2012

    […] 1 is in the books and so is The Farm Club Debacle’s first wager. Just before the Lion’s game in a debate about who a friend of mine should start, […]

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