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Five Super Bowl Halftime Shows That Won’t Happen, But Should

September 4, 2012

Features, Football

As the dawn of the NFL season comes ever closer, fans and analysts alike are beginning to speculate who might face off in the big game. I, on the other hand, think such speculation is meaningless. Making Super Bowl predictions at this point is like guessing the solution to a math equation that hasn’t been presented to you yet.

But for the record, I wouldn’t put money on the Jaguars, Panthers, Seahawks, Browns, Bills, Chiefs, Colts, Vikings, Rams, Cardinals, Dolphins or Saints.

Don’t get me wrong, I care about who plays in the Super Bowl. But ultimately, there are too many variables in an NFL season to make any sort of prediction. Just like every other year, at this point, my team has a roughly in 32 shot at winning the big game. There is something that I’m more comfortable speculating on however; what pile of auditory excrement is the NFL going to subject me to during the halftime show? During the past three years, Madonna, The Black Eyed Peas, and an all geriatric cover band of The Who headlined, with Usher, Slash, M.I.A, Cee Lo Green, and LMFAO joining as support acts.

In summation, the last three years sucked. They sucked hard. There are only three halftimes shows that have really been any good at all, Paul McCartney in 2005, an exceptional Prince in 2007, and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in 2008 (Springsteen was disqualified for insisting on including “Working on a Dream” in his setlist and making very un-Boss like lyrical changes to “Glory Days”).

The Super Bowl is the biggest sporting event of the year, and it deserves to have a halftime show that doesn’t make half the country take a bathroom break, and another quarter treat it like a bad comedy routine. Shows like….

1) The Black Keys

The Black Keys, indie rock stalwarts turned mainstream rock darlings, are the kind of band your cool older brother liked until they sold out. A two piece band in the studio, The Black Keys adds up to four touring members to fill out their live shows. And with a seven record discography, plus the collaborative Blacroc project, the Black Keys have enough material to span a lengthy set, including several guest appearances which the NFL seems to mandate for every halftime show for some reason. But the best part of a Black Keys Super Bowl performance? Every hipster on Earth can finally stop caring about The Black Keys, and they can finally take Nickelback’s place on mainstream radio stations permanently.

Why it Won’t Happen, in One Sentence

Your Mom is actually the target demographic of the Super Bowl halftime show, and the thinks “The Black Keys” is a racial slur.

2) David Bowie

David Bowie is an icon. A rock God even. Without Bowie, there would be no Nine Inch Nails or Lady Gaga or, dare I say it, Flight of the Conchords.

Bowie is one of the rare artists that transcends genre. Part pop, part rock, part electronic, part psychedelic, Bowie covers so much ground as a musician that the only word that can describe him is “showman.” And that quality is what makes him perfect for the Super Bowl halftime show. On top of this, Bowie would align with the NFL propensity for selecting aging mega stars for the biggest, and shortest, concert of the year (Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas is actually a 500 year old Wizard who uses complex hexes to convince people he has talent/is a woman).

Why it Won’t Happen, in One Sentence

Bowie hasn’t performed live since 2006, and the NFL blew its halftime show makeup budget last year when it featured Nikki Minaj.

3) Danger Mouse

Danger Mouse isn’t exactly a household name on his own, but perhaps you’ve heard of one of his many projects: Gnarls Barkley (with Cee Lo Green), Broken Bells (with James Mercer of The Shins), or Rome, or one of the many artists he’s produced for, such as Gorillaz, or Beck or Nora Jones. Or maybe you’ve heard of his (possibly) better then the original remix of Jay Z’s the Black Album using The Beatles’ White Album. Point is, Danger Mouse is crazy eclectic and crazy talented. A Danger Mouse halftime show could cover every genre from electronica to hip hop to pop, and do it with the kind of class and skill that Madonna and M.I.A’s middle finger couldn’t provide last year.

Why it Wont Happen, in One Sentence

He’s just too damn busy, since in addition to forthcoming work with Broken Bells and Gnarles Barkley, Danger Mouse is arguably the hottest producer in music right now, working on projects for U2 and (allegedly) Daft Punk.

4) Daft Punk

Speaking of everyone’s favorite robots, Daft Punk, there might be nobody on this list who is a better fit for halftime at the Super Bowl than Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter. Daft Punk is about the music first and foremost, but their live performances are second to none, involving elaborate lights, costumes, and set pieces. Daft Punk are the embodiment of what the halftime show should be- elaborate, musically complex, and awe inspiring.Daft Punk brings all this to the table and more.

Why it Won’t Happen, in One Sentence

Daft Punk are famously fame averse, and the Super Bowl may be too high profile an event for the duo, who are capable of filling the Superdome, and every other stadium in the NFL, all on their own.

5) Metallica

Is there any band that’s more quintessentially American then Metallica? When I think America, I think four things: Apple pie, football, childhood obesity, and Metallica. With a massive worldwide fan base and 3 decades worth of tracks, Metallica has all the tools needed to put on a unforgettable halftime show. And perhaps most importantly, they are the exact opposite of LMFAO, who should never be associated with professional football in any form ever again.

Why it Won’t Happen, in One Sentence

Despite the alarming amount of teenage girls who now own Metallica t-shirts, there’s still a significant segment of society that sees them as a group of delinquents who want to convert the masses to Satanism through the evils of heavy metal.

What will actually happen? My money is on a Lady Gaga/Justin Bieber/Savage Garden mash up that leaves 1/3 of viewers infertile and another 1/5 incontinent. Hear that NFL? As long as you don’t radically harm more then half the Super Bowl viewing audience, I will be impressed with what gets put on the field.

Did I miss somebody? Do you hate every musician I mentioned? Let me know in the comments! Don’t forget to like The Farm Club on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. You can find me on Twitter @30carpileup.  And click my name below to read all of my past articles. And make yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.

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