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The Friday Five: The Fantasy Football Trash Talk Begins Edition!

Welcome once more to another glorious edition of the Friday Five, the single most eyeball-grabbing article about sports on the net. If you haven’t been paying attention the last several weeks, what I do here is take a look at some of the sports news that has slipped through the cracks due to the major sporting news media’s obsession with latching onto one big story and making a circus out of it. So come on in and get knowledge bombs dropped on you.

The Big News:

The big story this week is that College Football has begun! And with the start of the college football season we already have a frontrunner for the National Championship and a frontrunner for the Heisman Trophy. This is, of course, all before a single game has even been played. These are just two of the things that drive me absolutely insane about college football. You see, I love the sport, but I am absolutely driven crazy by the fact that the top teams don’t play one another. And it’s not like a first place team in another major sport just playing last place teams, oh no, it’s like an NHL team playing a high school team. There is just no real competition in most of these games, allowing the Heisman favorites to pad their stats. Wake me up when the tournament for the National Championship starts. Now that the business is in front, let’s take a look at the party in the back of this mullet of a sports article.

NFL:

Instead of presenting you with some NFL news this week, I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you all that the Farm Club’s Fantasy Football League has begun. I am thrilled that I was able to draft Aaron Rodgers, and a few other solid pick-ups has me looking forward to managing my team to victory in the first annual Farm Club Debacle. My first week match-up is Farm Club co-creator Jack Crawley, and the trash talking has already begun on Facebook. I’d like to steal a line from the greatest American to ever live, Chael Sonnen, and declare loud and proud on the Friday Five, Jack Crawley, you absolutely suck! I look forward to thrashing you completely and making you cry in Week 1 of the Farm Club’s Fantasy Football League.

MLB:

Look at this banner here. Look at your future AL East Champs.

Naturally, as most expected, the New York Yankees are close to buying another AL East Championship. But wait! Very sneakily coming up therankings are the…Baltimore Orioles? Yes! At a paltry 3 games back of the Yankees, the Orioles are lighting it up, and are shocking a lot of baseball experts. And what’s the best thing about this? The Yankees and the Orioles are about to start a 3-game series, in which the Orioles have the opportunity to tie the AL East if they can sweep the Yankees. This will make yours truly an extremely happy individual, as I hate everything that that team represents. Hopefully the Orioles can choke the life out of the Yankees and take advantage of their very definition of a hitter’s park, and shame the Yankees into hiding. Keep an eye on the AL East race for the rest of the season, as things are looking to get very interesting.

NBA:

As if I didn’t hate the Lakers enough for winning tons of championships, and then picking up a player in Steve Nash that I really love and want to see win a title (but not with the Lakers) they keep doing more things to try and win me over. They will be putting a statue of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in their Star Center, and over the course of the season will be retiring the numbers of Jamaal Wilkes and Shaquille O’Neal. You see, as a basketball player and a personality, I love Shaq. He is a beacon of hilarity and goodness, and I think the Lakers have heard about my disdain for them and are simply trying to win me over, and it isn’t going to happen. Kareem’s statue will be unveiled in Staples Center on November 16th, Wilkes’ number will go into the rafters on December 28th and Shaq’s won’t be raised until April 2nd. Which I am sure will give the Lakers enough time to do something else to piss me off and try to make up for it by offering me free airfare, hotel, and front row tickets to the game when Shaq’s number gets raised. Hey, let’s hope.

Apparently, Shaq threatened to unleash to awesome power of ShaqFu on the Lakers if they didn’t retire his number. He is a master of the Dark Hadou.

NHL:

Contracts, Contracts everywhere; Part 2. Kyle Turris has signed a 5-year extension with the Ottawa Senators, Jordan Eberle has signed a 6-year extension with the Edmonton Oilers and the real star of the Pittsburgh Penguins, Evgeni Malkin has agreed to go over and play for the KHL if there is a lockout in the NHL this season. Teams are trying to get all of their players locked into deals before the CBA comes down and puts cuffs on what sorts of deals can be signed. Malkin has agreed to lend his services to Metallurg Magnitogorsk of the KHL on the increasing chance that there is no professional hockey to be played in this hemisphere. The talks continue to get a whole lot of nowhere as there are still huge fundamental differences between what the league wants and what the players want. Teams are still optimistic, but I am not. I know games will be lost, and at this point I am just hoping that it’s not an entire season again, although having the Kings as two-year Stanley Cup Champs would make me a happy lad, as I like those dudes. Boy, oh boy am I thrilled that this news story broke as I was writing this article!

Malkin hopes to play in the KHL this season because as he tweeted to Paul Bisonette, “russia girls best”

MMA:

More Frankie Edgar news!!! Edgar has agreed to step up to fight Jose Aldo at UFC 153. After Dana White stated that Edgar wouldn’t receive an immediate title shot upon dropping down to featherweight, a series of convenient events has led to Edgar getting an immediate title shot in the division. Aldo’s original opponent, Erik Koch, suffered a knee injury in training and was forced to bow out of the event, and Dana White got that goofy look he has in that flash animation video of Fedor getting beaten up, and saw the dollar signs in an Edgar/Aldo match and let the former UFC Lightweight champ step in. I am looking forward to that fight, as I believe Edgar will present an interesting match-up for the current champ. Aldo has been looking quite impressive for a long time, but I think the undersized-at-155 Edgar will be a much better fit at 145, and be able to out-muscle Aldo and take his second UFC title, and become another fighter to win two titles in two weight classes. That will wrap-up another fantastic edition of the Friday Five, and I thank you for coming in to check it out. I am eagerly anticipating the start of the NFL season so that I can have some real news to report on the NFL, as the preseason kind of limits any real news from coming from the league and the referee business doesn’t really matter much. Be sure to stay tuned so that you can follow my trash talking all throughout the Farm Club Fantasy Football Season, as I am sure I will be the single most entertaining thing happening anywhere during the league season. Join me next week after Tiger Woods blows another lead in the Final Round of a tournament, because trust me, he will. And I will leave you once more with the most hilarious, unintentionally dirty thing said in sports this week, “This puts more weight on Denard Robinson,” David Pollack.

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About lostcitysaint

I am a 25 year old manager of a chain record store. I am heavily into sports, music and all things geek. I am tattooed, chubby, bearded and awesome. Straight Edge. History major. Hopeful musician.

View all posts by lostcitysaint

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