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Five People Who Need To Stop Attending Sporting Events

August 15, 2012

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The average price for an afternoon or evening out at a major sporting event is “too goddamn much” according to my Uncle Jerry after his sixth beer. And despite the slurred nature of his proclamation, Uncle Jerry has a point. It costs a lot of money to make it to the ballpark, stadium, or arena (or dilapidated shack, if you’re a Detroit Red Wings fan), and it doesn’t always seem fair. By the time you get tickets, drinks, food, and memorabilia, you’re likely to spend an amount of money that leaves your budget somewhere between “eating ramen for lunch next week” and “walking to work all month.”

I go to games all the time. I just took my Grandfather and Dad to a baseball game. And after sitting there in 103 degree heat for three hours, I realized something: I hate almost everyone who attends sporting events. I genuinely wished that 90% of the people sitting in my section had never been born. Or at least that they hadn’t earned the disposable income that allowed them to be there that night (vote Romney/Ryan 2012). Because the fact of the matter is, there are a lot of people who need to stop attending sporting events.

See what I did? I tied everything back into the title. I guess pointing that out was kind of insulting. Sorry. Here’s the list. Oh God I’m sorry.

1) Girl Who Doesn’t Want to Be There

Pictured: Your Girlfriend, probably

“So then I told Christine, I said Christine, you just need to grab him and sit him down and let him know that no matter how much he says he loves you that he needs to do a better job of showing it and if he can’t you can just go meet someone else and she went home said did that and he told her…”

Notice I stopped these story before it was over. That’s because before I could hear then end of it I had to get up and go to the beer stand before I turned around and punched a complete stranger in the face. The young lady who had been sitting behind me, henceforth known as “Christine’s friend” clearly had no interest in the sporting event going on literally 6 feet from her face. You couldn’t tell that by looking at her, as the $500 worth of bedazzled MLB authentic gear she was draped in served as perfect camouflage to disguise her complete apathy to anything even vaguely related to professional sports.

Christine’s friend is a perfect example of a person who has no business attending a sporting event of any kind. More often then not, Christine’s friend, and her kind, show up already drunk, begrudgingly taken there by her boyfriend because she demanded to be included in his hobbies. But in reality, she’s just there to make sure that he doesn’t hit on any skanks during the 7th inning stretch, which is the only baseball term she recognizes.

Gentlemen, I beg you, if your girlfriend doesn’t know or care about sports, leave her at home. And ladies, please shut your stupid faces some of us are trying to watch the game that we paid for.

2) Guy Who Starts the Wave

The wave is the stupidest, most worthless tradition in all of sport. First reported having been sighted during the 1976 Olympic Games, or at an Oakland A’s game in 1981, or at the University of Washington the same year, or at- hang on. There’s more then one person trying to lay claim to inventing this repugnant display of collective idiocy? Wow. And I thought my opinion of humanity literally could not get lower.

How does the wave improve one’s enjoyment of a sporting event? It doesn’t. In fact, it is a clear sign that the participants don’t give a shit about the event that they paid to be at. A sighting of the wave is a surefire sign that the stadium in question is full of simple minded pseudo-fans who are just there “to have a good time.” There’s literally dozens of other ways to have fun at a game, like watching the game, or coming up with clever and/or vulgar chants. But those would require both interest and engagement in the event at hand.

So, guy who starts the wave at sporting events, either go find some place else to have a good time, or sit the fuck down and stop giving the 8 year old next to me an excuse to jump up on our shared armrest and spill my $10 beer. Say, speaking of kids and alcohol…

3) Drunk Dad Trying to Do Better then His Old Man Did (And Failing)

Please don’t.

First off, let me apologize to anyone who’s Dad didn’t or couldn’t take them to a game as a child. You missed out on something awesome that every kid should get a chance to do, and if I could go back and give you that experience, I would. From the bottom of my heart, I mean that.

That being said, sometimes even a Dad who cares enough to take his family to the ballpark on a summer afternoon is still a shitty Dad. And while I’m not a father, I’m pretty sure that as a rule its a bad idea to get hammered drunk around your kids. Its probably an even worse idea to do it in public. But hey, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, and sometimes, a man has to have four beers before the national anthem for some reason.

Generally, drunks at sports events are annoying but tolerable. More often then not, they’re just sightly louder, more incoherent versions of the average fan. But a drunk Dad has to keep his kids happy, and answer their questions, and feed them, and, you know, be a Dad. But about 1/4 of the way through the game, Drunk Dad is going to stop putting forth any effort in terms of his responsibilities as a parent. His kids questions will go unanswered, or be answered wrong (or, in some cases, answered racistly.) Instead of teaching his kids how to cheer on their favorite players, incoherent screaming will be encouraged openly, preferably directly in the ear of the person in the next row. And Designated Driver Mom, who has been cringing since they had to make their first beer stop less then 200 feet from the stadium gates, will begin to apologize quietly. Too little, too late lady. Do us all a favor and drop your husband off at his AA meeting on the way home.

4) Guy/Girl Who Knows Better Then the Coach/Manager/GM

Opinions in sports are like explosions in a Michael Bay film: they’re over abundant, there’s often nothing remarkable about them, and they rarely add anything of value to anyone’s life. But, if you accept these facts, its possible to enjoy any conversation about sports.

Don’t tell that to the future savior of whatever franchise’s stadium you’re in. They know without a doubt that “Sanchez can’t leg out an infield single” or that “the run game won’t be effective against this front four” or that “Smith is a pansy who needs to be cut!” You’ll never convince them they’re wrong, even if Sanchez legs out that infield single, or the running back bursts through a gaping hole in the interior of the offensive line, or Smith comes into the stands throwing punches.

Maybe there’s some deep seeded psychosis that traces all the way back to this person’s childhood that is forcing them to overcompensate. Cut from the high school team? Parent that was a coach? Lost the house betting the over on the Super Bowl? In any case, they are going to flaunt their endless sports expertise like they’re in a coaching interview. Just do your best to ignore them, because any acknowledgment, positive or negative, serves as validation.

5) Guy Who Wants to Rush the Field

Guy who wants to rush the field is perhaps the rarest of all lousy sports fans, so I think I’ll keep this one brief.

I know you’ve seen that footage of two fans running the bases with Hank Aaron after he hit his 715th home run. You probably remember that Nike Shox commercial with the soccer hooligan running up and down the pitch in only a scarf.

Running on the field will not end up as well for you as either of those events. Especially the second one. Because its fictional. No, when you try to rush the field after an incomplete pass on second down, all you’re just going to delay the game and piss off every other fan in the building. Best case scenario, you get your ass kicked by Ray Lewis and get a cool scar. Nobody’s life will be better for having seen you interject yourself into a live game/match/fight, and you will be lucky to make it home in one piece. So if you really need that rush of running someplace you shouldn’t run, maybe do it on the freeway during rush hour?

Ok, that was harsh. You can wait until traffic dies down.

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7 Comments on “Five People Who Need To Stop Attending Sporting Events”

  1. Ian Brown Says:

    FAIL, sports are for all people, including those who are there for the experience. I agree, they are annoying at times, but it’s all part of the atmosphere that is “Live Sports”. Really? the wave? You’re blogging your distaste for a quintessential part of America’s past-time? Stay Home! The game looks better in 1080p anyway! You don’t go because it’s the best view, you go for the experience. Next time you’re with the “common pseudo fans” try not to be that anal retentive douche who gripes and complains when everyone stands up to chant or do the god awful wave. And please don’t come home and write a butt hurt article about it. Thanks!

    Reply

    • Brian Young Says:

      Quintessential? I don’t think that word means what you think that it means.

      Reply

      • Ian Brown Says:

        It means the pure essence of a thing. If your going to be a writer invest in a dictionary.

      • Brian Young Says:

        Oh I know what the word means. So you think the pure essence of baseball is doing the wave? Guess I was doing you a favor by assuming you misused “quintessential.” And its “pass time,” not “past time.”

      • Ian Brown Says:

        Of baseball itself? No. Of the ballpark experience? Yes.

        It’s more than the game, it is the whole package. That’s what going to the game is all about! I can watch the game at home & follow it much better in HD than I ever could at the park.

        Going to the game is a unique experience because of the atmosphere. That is where I feel the disconnect in your article is.

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