Live MLS Blog: Timbers vs. Chivas USA

July 29, 2012

Features, Soccer, User Submissions

Kris Boyd looks fat. I’ve held this sentiment since the Timbers bought him. We can’t win if he is stealing all the pre-game food from our other starters. Come on, man.

The play-by-play announcers look like zombies. ROBBIE EARLE IS BRITISH?!

Gavin Wilkinson is the GM and the coach. This experiment has to come to an end soon.

Timbers are coming with a 4-3-3-. Boyd is up top. And fat. So this can’t work.

Pretty excited about Brent Richards starting, though. He is a young player out of nearby Camas, Washington and pretty much the hope of Rose City. He was just called “the pride of Camas” and let’s be honest, that’s high praise.

Prediction for the game: 2-0 in Chivas’ favor. Yes, I’m living in Portland and am a Timbers fan but I’ve been to games and see the lack of attacking they boast. As strong as the Timbers are at home, I don’t think they will be pulling out a win tonight. Dammit… I’m mad I just typed that.

They just showed a stat that has Kris Boyd down for seven goals this season. I just cannot in my heart of hearts believe that.

(1:00) JELD-WEN Stadium is bouncing. So is Boyd’s tummy, ironically enough.

(2:00) Chivas with a corner. No real threat and goalkeeper Troy Perkins with a “brave” punch according to the announcer (Keith Blyler).

(3:00) Boyd is wearing neon yellow cleats. He still looks slow.

(4:00) David Horst just kicked the shit out of the ball. To no one in particular.

(4:20) Timbers’ Diego Chara with some nice individual possession. Lost the ball while trying to play Darlington Nagbe but you win some and lose some, right?

(5:25) Kris Boyd uses his head and knocks the ball down to Chara who lifts to Nagbe. Best chance of the game. Still not that close, though. Timbers with the most possesion thus far.

(6:44) “First goal in this match is paramount.” No way? These announcers are on point tonight.

(8:11) Timbers with a free kick in a semi-dangerous area. Franck Songo’o on the ball. Wow. That was atrocious. If he was aiming for Chivas’ forward Juan Pablo Angel, he was perfect as Angel came up with the defensive header.

(11:00) Atmosphere at JELD-WEN seems great per usual. These fans support their team out the Wu-Tang- even if they are bottom of the table. This really speaks to the impact MLS is starting to have on the entire nation.

13:00 Chara should expect a yellow for that tackle. Chivas with a big attacking move but stopped once Chara fouls. Chara escapes a yellow card but has one in my book. Tsk-tsk.

14:00 Chivas have another big attacking move but Timbers have about 25 guys back and snuff it out. They actually end up with a nice counter-attack but Timber’s defender Kosuke Kimura lifts a ball to the corner and expects Boyd to run onto it. Kimura forgot Boyd was fat and doesn’t run.

(16:00) Chivas midfielder Paola Cardoza with a big blast to the chest of Timber’s goalkeeper Troy Perkins. Side note: Timbers missing backup goalkeeper Jake Gleeson due to Olympic duty for his native New Zealand. That’s kind of cool.

(17:00) Corner kick for the Timbers following a shot by Songo’o. Lets see where this goes. Ah, straight to Chivas goalkeeper Dan Kennedy. If Timbers score a goal I will pay everyone who reads this blog a dollar. Promise.

(19:00) A HUGE COUNTER FROM THE TIMBERS! Brent Richards with a brilliant defensive header off a Chivas corner but the ball from Boyd to Nagbe leaves him a bit offside. Good run of play though. I may owe a few people a dollar soon.

(21:00) Boyd with a beautiful first touch to set up a shot eight yards from goal. Second touch was awful, though, and blasted the ball over the goal. Just piss poor. Richards again with the set up as he had a great flick to Boyd.

(22:00) Christ. Chivas almost scored. I wasn’t watching the screen but heard the announcers freaking out. Honesty is my policy.

(23:00) People need to stop texting me. Making this way harder.

(24:00) Songo’o with a couple of classy touches, cuts the ball inside then scorches a ball across the goal. Boyd was fat and couldn’t quite make it to the ball. I know he’s Scottish, but the accent is no substitute for productivity.

(24:34) Boyd shoots and scores, but he was called offside. Just stop. Please.

(25:37) Richards with a chance… Ah, so close! He has been the most active this whole game. Great energy thus far and making a huge impact on the run of play for the homeside.

(26:52) I just texted my friend to bring me some ice cream – I’ll keep you guys updated on results.

(27:31) Timber’s center back David Horst looks about 7’2” out there. Should make more of an impact on set pieces being that tall. Yao Ming would have made an excellent soccer player.

(30:00) Horst just started a counter attack and looked more competent up there than Boyd ever has. The ball gets to Boyd (EXPLETIVE) and instead of passing to a wide open Chara he passes it to Chivas goalkeeper Kennedy. Just terrible. I’m sure he is a great guy but Boyd is blowing it right now.

(32:00) Chivas coach Robin Fraser looks EXACTLY like Gus Fring from Breaking Bad. Whoa. Season 4 finale had you thinking that guy was goner. WRONG. He moonlights as an MLS coach.

(33:12) Songo’o with a free kick. Richards with a great header inside the six and lays it down for Boyd. A step too late though. Boyd could have made it save 5-25 pounds.

(35:10) And Richards with another header won over a taller defender. This guy has to be like 4’7 but with a vertical off the charts. Refuses to lose a ball. I love it. Hope it pays off tonight.

(36:06) Chara runs onto a ball flicked into the box by Boyd. Slips and falls on his own accord, tries to draw a penalty kick. Referee says, “No soup for you.”

(38:15) BAM! Richards with an absolute blast from right inside the 18 yard box. Kennedy with a decent save. Timbers corner kick.

(39:04) I swear Boyd just tried a bicycle kick from 30 yards out. This is getting ridiculous. On a similar note my friend still hasn’t brought me ice cream. Equally ridiculous.

(40:30) Onto the final five minutes of regulation. Timbers so far have had the better chances, but Chivas have had some dangerous opportunities as well. Teams still locked at zero.

(41:25) Kris Boyd. Kris Effing Boyd. Chara just whipped in a cross that landed perfectly on Boyd’s left foot but it comes to nothing. Boyd basically missed making contact with the ball and Timbers best chance of the night comes up dry. He just wants a snack. Give the guy a break, guys.

(44:15) Chivas with a free kick after Chara picks up a yellow card. Set piece ends up being cleared and the half-ends.

So, teams remain scoreless at half, I still have no ice cream and Boyd looks famished. I promise something will change in the next 45 minutes.

Side note: Tom Hanks was at the Timber’s last game versus Aston Villa. Coverage just dedicated some time to him and, man, what I’d give to party with that dude. Must have some stories. He’s been stranded on an island, stormed the beaches at Normandy and was suffering from insomnia just north of here in Seattle. What a guy.

(45:00) Second half underway. Line-ups are the same.

(46:37) Boyd looks like he got an orange slice or a dozen at half-time. Doing some good tracking of the ball so far.

(47:47) Kimura with some gorgeous defending down the right side. He has been very solid all match. Making things difficult for Chivas attackers.

(49:30) Richards with his patented long throw-in. Gives Chivas a little trouble but they clear easily. This kid has been providing attacking options all game. Should be a constant in the starting XI.

(50:40) I asked for Ben & Jerry’s. Still nothing.

(51:57) They are interviewing Timbers’ head coach Gavin Wilkinson right now. I don’t care if he isn’t Australian, if that man said “Bloomin’ Onion” I’m heading to Outback.

(52:20) Boyd with a shot from outside the 18. I don’t even want to say where it ended up going.

(53:32) Chivas forward Cesar Romero tries from long range. It wasn’t the worst I’ve ever seen, but Perkins gave zero shits about the shot.

(55:00) Just checked Facebook. A couple of notifications- A “like” here, a “like” there. Nothing too important, guys.

(57:10) Songo’o draws another foul in dangerous position. Whips it in and Horst absolutely dominates Chivas defender Danny Califf. Foul ends up being called on the Timbers’ burly defender.

(58:10) Boyd is in the open, crappy angle, but open nonetheless. Decides to have a go and ends up cranking the ball about 60 rows deep. He must be subbed. Absolute must.

(58:10.78) Still no sign of ice cream coming soon. This saddens me.

(60:07) Richard with a strong ball whipped into the box – nothing comes from it except my realization of how racially ambiguous he is. Quite the mystery at this point!

(62:00) Juan Agudelo comes in for Chivas. He looks fast. Boyd is jealous.

(62:15) A series of inexplicable touches from the Timbers.  Chivas throw in. That was weird.

(62:56) Chara just got rag-dolled by a Chivas defender. Richards with the long throw right to Dan Kennedy.

(65:09) Good counter set up by Darlington Nagbe. Chara with a low cross and it is deflected for a corner kick. Corner comes to nothing and no one is surprised.

(66:36) To his credit, Boyd has been getting his head on a lot of balls tonight (hahaha) so that’s good.

(67:26) Songo’o gets carded for a shirt pull. Chivas with a free kick that ends up turning into a goal. Perkins is caught out of the goal and Califf with a great header to put the ball into an empty net. You have to ask more from Perkins in that situation.

(69:00) Chivas USA leads 1 to 0

(70:00) Timbers with a short corner. Once again ends up accumulating to absolutely nothing.

(70:03) I’m being unnecessarily bitter but a lot of this ire goes to the anonymous friend who has yet to procure the Ben & Jerry’s.

(71:13) Boyd just said a bad word. I read his lips. I hope he gets subbed ASAP. Fingers crossed.

(72:15) Midfielder Ben Zemanski gets carded for Chivas as he chops down Kimura.

(73:00) Richards with a long throw that evades every. Single. Timber. Dammit.

(73:30) Timbers substitution. Eric Alexander on for Richards and Kaliff Alhassan on for Frank Songo’o. Wait. Why didn’t I type Boyd’s name? ARGHHHHH!

(76:00) Apparently, Chivas has given up eight (8) goals in the final 15 minutes of games this season. Surprisingly uplifting statistic for the Timbers.

(78:00) Timbers have just put together about 15 passes in a row. Playing some pretty football but no goal to show for it.

(78:24) Alhassan feeds the ball into the six-yard box and juuuust misses a streaking Chara. Timbers corner… Aaaaaand it goes nowhere. Again.

(80:17) BOYD! Great left footed shot about 23 yards out. Kennedy forced to a save.

(81:00) AHHHHHH! Horst with a header from the corner but the shot is “karate chopped” out by a Chivas defender. Kevin Blyler’s words not mine.

(81:47) Chivas goal scorer Califf is down. His bio comes up and he is 6’2, 180 lbs. Boyd is jealous of a figure like that.

(84:47) Exciting things may have happened in the last three minutes but I was busy trying to procure ice cream. Sorry. Score is still 1-0.

(85:43) If there wasn’t an offsides rule, I think the Timbers may have scored a few goals.

(87:00) Timbers substitution. Pulling the right back Kimura and bringing on forward Danny Mwanga. Timbers are playing with three defenders now.

(87:27) A beautiful one-touch pass by Alhassan to Nagbe. Nagbe shoots from 10 yards out but is off target and of no bother to Kennedy.

(88:20) Huge collision between Horst and Moreno. Horst > Moreno.

(89:09) Timbers earn another corner, their 75th (rough estimate) of the game. Ball deflects off of Chivas and the Timbers earn their 76th corner of the game.

(89:51) Corner is useless and all is normal at JELD-WEN.

(90:00) Four minutes of added time.

(90:00 +1) 77th corner. Boyd should have done better as the ball was at his feet inside the six-yard box once again.

(90:00 +2) Alhassan has been a huge spark of energy. He has created some chances but doesn’t look like his spark will be igniting much tonight.

(90:00 +3) Chivas possessing in the Timbers half. The end is near.

(90:00 +4) Seconds away from a Chivas road win… Timbers are knocking the ball around but to no avail as the referee blows his final whistle and sends another blow to the Timbers season.

The Portland Timbers played hard all game and had some great chances but lacked any sort of goal scoring ability as they drop their fifth consecutive MLS game. Chivas were strong all match and turned their best chance into a solid goal. A fun game to watch but leaves me with a bad, ice-cream-less taste in my mouth. Until next time, thanks for reading.

Stephen Kersh is a Portland Pilot and can be found on Twitter (@KaptainKersh) waxing poetic about all things random.

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