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Zach Parise, I’m Here to Help

July 3, 2012

Hockey

Zach Parise,

You announced on Monday that you had no announcement to make in regards to the ongoing Zach Parise Signing Sweepstakes™ that has consumed the 24 hour NHL news cycle. And good for you. You, Zach Parise, are making a life changing decision about what team is going to pay you tens of millions of dollars over the next several years. And that can’t be an easy decision to make. So, being the world traveler that I am, I’ve decided to take the time to throw together a list to help you, Zach Parise, narrow down your list of candidates, and help hockey fans accept the fact that there’s at best a 1 in 30 chance you’ll be playing for their favorite franchise. I think this will really set you in the right direction Zach. Lets start with the obvious ones.

Teams That You, Zach Parise, Absolutely Should Not Sign With Under Any Circumstances

Vancouver Canucks- Not America

Calgary Flames- Not America

Edmonton Oilers- Not America

Winnipeg Jets-Not America

Ottawa Senators-Not America

Montreal Canadiens- Not America

Toronto Maple Leafs- Not America

Phoenix Coyotoes- Might as well not be America

USA! USA! USA!

New York Islanders- About to move to Brooklyn, which is just like New Jersey except with hipsters. And the only thing that could make New Jersey worse is hipsters.

Pittsburgh Penguins- Can a team that just re-signed a player that hardly touched the ice over the last two years, and paid him $104 million over 12 seasons, be trusted to make smart financial decisions with your future? I think not.

Teams That You, Zach Parise, Should Not Sign With For Safety Reasons

Washington Capitals- Living in DC, you might catch whatever disease turned John Boehner’s skin that color. Or Ovie may knock you unconscious with an errant goal celebration.

Carolina Hurricanes- Playing for a team named after a natural disaster seems to just be asking for trouble. God forbid a Hurricane Zach makes its way up the coast one year while you’re under contract. The jokes would be unbearable.

New York Rangers- Madison Square Garden is under renovation, and they’re installing a Sky Walk, which, while innovative, doesn’t seem entirely thought out. Eventually, some drunk is going to drop a beer off of it and how sad will you be if it hits you?

Madison Square Garden Sky Walk

Pictured: An artist’s rendering of an accident waiting to happen

St. Louis Blues- Routinely one of Forbes’ top five “Most Dangerous” cities. Gretzky lived there for less then a year and had to kill 6 guys just to make it out alive.

Detroit Red Wings- It’s Detroit.

Philadelphia Flyers- I shouldn’t have to tell you not to go anywhere near a group of people who are willing to boo Santa Clause and puke on children.

Teams That You, Zach Parise, Should Not Sign With for Geographical Reasons

Florida Panthers- The Florida Panthers play in the city of Sunrise, which is a city so lame Google has tried to erase its existence on three occasions. Its only a matter of time before they succeed.

Columbus Blue Jackets- While you have some spare time, since you’re not touring with the Stanley Cup (too soon?) you can take six hours to drive across this vapid wasteland of a state. That shiny dot you spotted on the freeway between cornfields? That’s Nationwide Arena, home of the Columbus Blue Jackets. Now keep driving.

Anaheim Ducks- Too close to DisneyLand, traffic will be a nightmare.

Dallas Stars- Playing hockey in Texas makes little to no sense. Plus you’re probably still bitter about that whole “used to be the Minnesota Northstars” thing. Speaking of which…

Minnesota Wild- You grew up here, this place is old news. You’ve seen it all. Plus, all those lakes? This state’s compensating for something. Probably the fact that Dallas stole their hockey team and it took the league 7 years to replace it.

Teams That You, Zach Parise, Should Not Sign With For Admittedly Superficial Reasons

San Jose Sharks- Awful color scheme. Just horrendous. A colorblind toddler could re-design those jerseys better.

Los Angeles Kings- Do you really want to sit next to Dustin Brown and hear him rib you about getting a cup first for the next 7 years? Keep the friendship alive via text messages and have a beer with him during international competitions. Spending every day with him would get old in a hurry.

Colorado Avalanche- You could win 8 cups, but you’ll always live in the shadows of Sakic, Peter Forsberg, and Patrick Roy. And Elway. Plus, the worst alternate logo in sports.

No, really, they put this on stuff

Boston Bruins- Do they really need the help? They’ll be fine without you.

Tampa Bay Lightning- They used to let Brooke Hogan sing the national anthem before home games, which logically means they are to blame for both Hogan Knows Best and spin off Brooke Knows Best. Don’t condone this behavior.

Buffalo Sabres- Averages nearly 100 inches of snowfall a year.  I’m sure you could afford to pay a guy to take care of it, but its just such a hassle.

New Jersey Devils- Brodeur re-signed, which automatically makes you the second most popular player on the team. You deserve better then that. You’re a star! But not Dallas Star, we’ve already talked about them.

Nashville Predators- This city invented country music. If that’s not a reason to not move somewhere, I don’t know what is.

Chicago Blackhawks- Chicago is an awful, terrible town with no redeeming qualities. They should have left it an ashes when the smartest citizen in the history of that wretched city, a common bovine, had the decency to burn it to the ground.

Well Zach, I think I’ve been of great service to you. This this list will really help you figure out exactly who you should continue to not sign with. But once you do figure something out, maybe throw a few G’s my way. You know, guy to guy. I’d appreciate it. Its really the least you can do.

Sincerely,
Brian Young

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