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An Open Letter to Nick Fairley, Mikel LeShoure, Johnny Culbreath, and Titus Young

May 29, 2012

Features, Football

Hey Idiots,

I’m going to take a minute to speak for not just Lions fans, not just Detroiters, but all human beings with logic and a sense of decency.

How fucking dumb are you? Seriously, all of you. I could go to an elementary school, pick four children at random, and I’d bet dollars to donuts that they outscore you knuckleheads on an IQ test. I’ve wiped things off my shoe that have more common sense then the four of you combined.

Lets start with this: all of you are filthy stinking rich. Every last one of you. You make tens of thousands of dollars per game. And I’d be willing to bet you have zero student loan debt, which, had you bothered to pick up any newspaper over the course of the past year, you would know puts you in a very privileged position in society. All of is important to know for two reasons: one, its the crux of every argument I’m going to make from this point forward, and two, all four of you seem to be keenly aware of this fact, but are completely unaware of what it actually means, which means you are destined to do some really stupid shit.

Nick Fairley, apparently a happy drunk…

Now, I like to have as much fun as the next guy. Why, just this past weekend I was sipping beer and shooting tequila around a campfire with some friends. But you know what I didn’t do immediately after that, Nick Fairley? I didn’t get behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. Because, as I’ve been taught by countless PSAs, and drivers education courses, and the labels on every container of alcohol I’ve ever purchased, and by my parents who love me, drinking and driving is a really shitty idea. Somehow, Mr. Fairley, you managed to miss all those messages, so I hope you take this one to heart. Drunk driving kills people. A lot of people. So don’t fucking do it you self centered ass clown. And if you do, don’t smile like the Cheshire Cat immediately after you get caught. It makes you seem like a smug prick who thinks he’s above the law.

So how could you have avoided this? Well before I go there, let me say one more thing. You’re not John fucking Dillinger, so don’t run from the cops. This is not a difficult concept. If you’ve done nothing wrong, running from the cops only makes it seem like you’ve done something wrong. If you’ve done something wrong, running from the cops only gets you into more trouble. Idiot.

But back to how this could have been avoided. Nick, remember how I told you earlier about how you’re filthy rich? Well that comes into play here. There are these things called taxis. Google them. They’re really popular. There was even a pretty good TV show about people who drove them. What happens is you pay a person to drive you where you would like to go. This can also be done with a limousine or town car, the signs of luxury a man of means such as yourself is likely accustom to. Though, I understand your DUI arrest was in your home state of Alabama, so taxi or limo services may not have been available to you. I suppose I’d suggest this instead: next time you’re drunk, take out your phone (its that thing you use to check your Twitter and order bow ties from Brooks Brothers), and call literally anyone. Ask if they’ve been drinking. If the answer is no, offer them $100 to drive your car home. Trust me, someone will take you up on it. Hell, ask the manager at the bar if he knows anyone who can drive you home. You’re rich and famous, they’ll find somebody. Alternatively, you could hire an old friend from high school to drive you around on Saturday nights so you can get shit housed. Given the state of employment in America, and especially in the South, I’m sure one of them could use the job.

Now, onto the drug charges. Mikel, Johnny, this is where you guys should start paying attention. Nick, don’t think you’re off the hook yet either. Here’s a link to a Wikipedia article that you might find interesting. But since you probably have trouble reading two things at once, let me tell you what that article is saying. Marijuana is illegal. As in if you are caught with it you can and will be charged with a crime. I’m not saying that this is right or wrong, I’m saying that its a fact. So accept it. My suggestion would be this- as long as you’re being paid more money per outing to play a children’s game to than I am to bust my ass for a company for an entire year, stop smoking marijuana. I’m sure you smoked all the way through college, because the NCAA doesn’t care as long as you don’t get caught and keep showing up on game day. And that’s a real shame, because I’m sure at least two of the three of you (but probably all of you) got a free God damned education that you smoked away in the basement of some frat house. Had you not been glassy eyed for your entire college career, or been coddled by the glorified babysitters that populate collegiate football programs nationwide, you might have realized that you were in a pretty privileged position. Each of you was given a free education by a university for possessing skills that have nothing to do with the stated goals of any university, and you further used those skills to land yourself careers that any of your thousands of classmates would kill to have the skills to compete in.

Every time you guys hit the bong, you spit in the faces of every single mother working her way through school, every parent who works overtime to keep their kid enrolled, and every student eating egg noodles and ketchup 7 nights a week because that’s all they can afford. Keep in mind, this isn’t a tirade about the evils of marijuana. Far from it. What I’m trying to say is, every time you get high you break the law, and every time you break the law you show that you don’t give a damn about how privileged you are. You’re giving the middle finger to everyone who plays by the rules just to make ends meet, who are the same people who buy tickets to watch you every Sunday during football season.

And if for some reason you just have to smoke pot, you can use all that money you’re making to pay one of your pot smoking buddies to bring it to your house. There’s no reason to be driving around with pot in your car, or hiding it in a desk drawer outside your hotel room (which is arguably the stupidest place I’ve ever heard of anyone keeping their pot). But really, the best solution to this is for the three of you to stop being such thick headed, egocentric, obtuse imbeciles, and stop breaking the fucking law.

Now, on to you Titus Young. I’m going to keep this part brief, because I don’t know entirely what’s going on with you, and nobody outside the organization seems to. So I’m just going to say this: much like the three Bob Marley wannabes up there, you’re being paid a ton of money to play a game. This doesn’t mean that you get to act like a child. I know this is probably going to be a difficult concept for you, because its pretty likely that your entire life since childhood has revolved around an egg shaped ball, and you’ve likely come to believe that that ball (and the world) revolves around you. It doesn’t. Much like every other person on earth, you’re replaceable. And in 10,000 years, nobody is going to know a fucking thing about you. You’re about as significant to the entirety of the universe as an individual bacterium is to you. So stop acting like a selfish manchild and grow the fuck up. You’re no better then anyone else. We’re all the same, the only thing that makes you different is that people pay to see what you do for a living. And sooner then you think that will be over. Especially if you keep acting like a dick.

Seriously guys, its not that hard. Just stop acting like stupid babies. I’ve literally said it a dozen times, you’re making a fuck ton of money to play a damn game. The same game millions of kids have played. You’re the lucky ones who didn’t have to stop. Quit being assholes before you screw up a really, really good thing for yourselves.

Sincerely,

Brian

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4 Comments on “An Open Letter to Nick Fairley, Mikel LeShoure, Johnny Culbreath, and Titus Young”

  1. The Fantasy Fumble Says:

    Perfect! This article is perfect. How can you be a NFL star and get busted buying weed or driving drunk. Like you dont have any friends who could hold the weed for you. And, there is a number that they can call and a hired towncar will come pick them up where ever they are.

    Reply

  2. Stefan Jagot Says:

    I must say this article is 100000% better with the new layout

    Reply

  3. this guy Says:

    If you really want to be taken seriously, you should use far less “fucks” imo. Mike Valenti would never use that many “fucks.”

    Reply

    • Brian Young Says:

      Dually noted. In fairness to me, its purely a stylistic choice. Its not me talking, its the angry, easily offended sports fan in all of us talking. And that guy trends to be far less eloquent then anyone who wants to be “taken seriously.”

      Reply

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